Ugh

Ugh.  That's how I feel right now about this whole process...

It's not that I went into this thinking that it would be easy, but lately, things in general have just been downright discouraging.  Even though this wasn't my original dream for our family, I've discovered so much hope and joy in this new journey.  But this week, I just feel weighed down every time I think about this whole adoption process.

Michael and I participated in a webinar yesterday through one of the agencies that we're considering.  And to the agency's credit, it was a well-done, organized, informative webinar.  But I found myself looking at charts with numbers with loads of dollar signs and lengthy time tables...and about 2/3 of the way through the presentation, I just thought, "This is impossible.  Why did I ever think we could do this?"  And toward the end of the webinar, we had to opportunity to type in questions that we had for the agency reps.  I sat there hoping to get something positive and exciting in response to my  questions--something that would give me hope that maybe this isn't so impossible.  Nope.

Honestly, were it not for the absolute clarity of God's call on our family, I would have walked away from this whole thing yesterday.  See, He knew what He was doing when He made it so obvious.  He knew I would be tempted to bail.

But seriously, I feel like there's a disconnect between what's in my heart and what everyone is telling me to expect or hope for.  And I've spent so much time asking God to show us what He wants us to do. And as emotionally draining as it is for me, I've worked really hard to keep my hands open so that God can take out anything that I put in there that's not part of His plan.  Yet, I'm still on my own wavelength over here wondering why I can't force my heart to want what's simpler and more logical.  I don't know how to make myself desire something that gives me no peace, and really, I don't know if I should even try...

So, yeah...ugh.




Somewhere In Between

I just realized that October is more than halfway gone, and I have yet to post anything new!  But I really don't have anything new and fresh to write about, which in some ways, has been kind of discouraging.  As I've said before, patience is not one of my strengths.  And this whole waiting thing sometimes seems overrated.  But I also know, both from my own experiences and from the wisdom of others, that God is intentional about the waiting time.  There's a purpose for this in-between time...even if I don't always see it.


The way that God revealed this whole adoption plan to us was so monumental and exciting!  It was like He dropped a bomb and completely rearranged my heart--in a good way!  And during this in-between time, I've been begging Him to do it again--to make things so obvious and clear.  To blow our minds with some new revelation!  To give us another piece of this puzzle.  To give me something solid to hold onto during this waiting time. And it's not that He's been silent.  But I feel like He just keeps telling me to wait.


And sometimes I want to scream, "But I've been waiting!"  But when I think about it, I haven't been waiting by choice.  I've been waiting because I have to.  I haven't embraced this in-between time.  I haven't bothered to ask God what He wants me to get out of it. 


Maybe this in-between time is a chance for us to grow closer as a family before our lives are all changed forever by whatever and whomever this adoption will bring to us.  Maybe it's a time for me to savor my one-on-one time with Asher right now.   I remember doing that with Landyn when I was pregnant with Asher...  It won't be just the 4 of us forever.  And I won't ever get this time with Asher back.  I need to cherish it instead of spending my time "waiting" impatiently for what's to come.  And I think, too, that this waiting time is a chance for us to teach our kids to pray.  There are so many aspects of this adoption that need to be covered in prayer, and our kids can be a part of that!  It's an opportunity for them to experience God's faithfulness to us!  And maybe it's a time when I can be brushing up on my Spanish...and maybe Michael can find time in the next 2 years to learn any Spanish at all!  I think our kids know more Spanish words than he does (Sorry, Honey...it's true)!  


It's funny to me how the same song can speak to my heart in different ways during different stages of life.  This song was a picture of my heart 10 years ago when I was going through a really hard waiting time.  And here I am again, a decade later, singing that song like the words were mine.  "'Cause I'm waiting for tonight...then waiting for tomorrow...and I'm somewhere in between what is real and just a dream."  But this time, instead of waiting for the waiting to be over, I'm going to try to find purpose in it.